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Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.