I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.