You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
You are not alone 💚
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
c’mon!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Happy Febuary everyone!
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.