Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
🚲+physics = winner
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.