Isn’t
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
🤔😂😂
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese