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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
This pepper has seen some shit
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors