When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
(yawn)
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice