GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I have a black belt in leather
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.