*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
getting corrected
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.