Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
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My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
We found love in a hopeless place.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”