“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.