Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
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Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.