[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
You Might Also Like
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.