[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
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“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.