In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.