“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.