Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
(True)
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”