Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*