Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.