It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
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my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
He took my last fry, your honor
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old