Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Mornin
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.