Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
We need more people like this.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”