[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Stop sending me this shit.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
The Birdles
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly