scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died