The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
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let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Super Hand Dog Face
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???