art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
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*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.