The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
You Might Also Like
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”