*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
This was the best day of my life
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw