I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
You Might Also Like
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying