*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?