People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.