Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
whenever i wake up before my alarm
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*