It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You Might Also Like
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot