That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Does it…does it take 3 days
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.