[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
c’mon!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?