maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
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ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.