They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen