No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
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If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.