Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.