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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong