It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.