The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
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2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.