I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
You Might Also Like
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.