When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.