everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“No way.” -Jose
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.