Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage