I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO