the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting