WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on