Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction